Friday, October 31, 2003
Meandering the perpetual streets of life
Purpose unascertained, destination indistinguishable
Lost in a wreck of emotions
Feelings colliding, spinning out of control
I feel as if I don't know what I'm doing lately. Where is this road of life taking me? Sounds so cliche, I know.
I was at the rec center today, minding my own business on the Precor machine, when a gang of black men walked by and proceeded to comment on my ass rather loudly. I pretended to ignore them but couldn't resist the urge to turn around and look at them. I probably flashed them one of my not so happy looks, even though I should have been flattered by their comments on the tightness of my backside. After finishing the cardio part of my workout and lifting I saw them while waiting for the locker room to be rid of the mosquitos that had decided it was a perfect place to live. I wasn't really quite sure what they were saying but I heard little mermaid and something about a muskrat. Ahhhhhhh, I was frightened and just glad to exit the rec with my butthole still intact.
We've decided Jeni is carrying the Messiah. She is the virgin mary of the new millenium. If sexually active then being 2 weeks late to ride the crimson wave would be cause for paranoia but since she is not we are now awaiting the birth of our savior. Anita says Jeni better get it soon otherwise we'll all start having to go to church. Ha ha.
Courtney rambled on @ 12:30 AM
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
Since everyone is now working I find myself compelled to lie stationary on the floor and watch hours on end of television. While 'I Love the 80's Strikes Back' is great, there are only so many times you can watch it before you must question is this really a productive thing to do with my time? Am I just letting my mind rot to the whining voices of Jessica Simpson and MTV in the background? Is school really so easy that I can study for 2 hours before a test and get an A while others spend countless hours studying and perform so much worse? Not to sound conceded but I guess I just have trouble comprehending how people fail general education classes. I don't think myself of some superior intellect, I just retain knowledge easily I guess. I have mastered the art of cramming. Master that and the art of bullshitting papers and you shall hold college by the balls.
Seeking: Laid back person with lots of free time to keep me company while everyone else is busy slaving away over textbooks and working for The Man. Must enjoy livin' it up and take pleasure in the consumption of alcohol. Realness and an open mind are also a must. Bonus Points for having hot friends that I can seduce. Inquire within.
When thinking about what to be for Halloween I was coming up blank. Sure there were the traditional costumes of black cat, vampire, devil, and other such costumes which are easy to put together and even easier to slutify. I kind of wanted to be a pirate but I had a feeling everyone else already had that idea thanks to Pirates of the Carribean (mmmmm Johnny Depp, but thats another story). Then I had a brilliant epiphany: why not be a Saigon Whore? I doubt there will be any other Saigon Whores galavanting around Hayden Square this year. So, if we can find the proper attire, Slut and I are going to adorn ourselves in little geisha robes, rice patty hats (as Jeni has named them), whore business cards, and funky white girl Chinese accents. Suki Suki anyone? I touch your penis for 2 dolla! Come here and let me see big American eggroll. Ahhh I put some soy sauce on it for you! Sorry if anyone is offended by my lack of political correctness. I cleared the idea with Anita, she had no objections. I'm so amused, I hope it all works out.
Courtney rambled on @ 1:13 PM
Sunday, October 26, 2003
I'm glad I found time in my drunken stupor to post last night. Ha ha. I didn't realize I was that intoxicated. I'm proud of my nice parking lot battle wounds though. I'd like to say this was during the drunken stage of the night but I'm just basically a spaz. Somehow I managed to cut my knee and the crease between my foot and leg at the same time, now thats talent!
Alcohol is starting to affect my memory. Last night for instance:
Was Adam here the whole night? What time did he come over? - Me
You opened the door for him you idiot!- Annie
We took the matresses off our beds and have created a giant bed in the living room. It's been like a giant sleepover since Thursday. Today Jeni and I rearranged the furniture to provide a walkway. I wish I had a digital camera so I could post a picture of our masterpiece. I think we're going to leave it that way for awhile. It's cooler in the living room than in my room so I sleep better. Somehow I ended up with a room that more closely resembles a convection oven. I spent all of Friday since my return to the Tuc and most of the day of Saturday stationary on my matress as an unmoving, unthinking, feeling like shit blob. Drugs are bad, mmmmkay.
I bought The Fountainhead today. I needed a new book to read to replace the void that finishing Atlas Shrugged has created in my life. Its another long one. Over 7 hundred pages of painfully small pring. Needless to say, I'm excited. I need things to do while everyone is at work and there is nobody to play with me.
We're beginning to live like immigrants. The only food we have at the moment is bread, potatoes, cheese, and a small selection of canned goods. I'm trying to hold out on going to the store and see how long I can last on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I figure the less money I spend on food the more I have for alcohol.
Courtney rambled on @ 5:41 PM
Our neighbors are playing tool and its fucking awesome. I don't really know what to say except exstacy doesn'jt make me feel complete like it used to and I love alcohol. I guess I'm done with E for awhile. Boys and me don't work out well. I miss my slut. I guess that is my life. Goodnighgt all. Alcohol is my god. We're wathing st.elmo's fire except I have no clue what is going on. Jeni loves thta movie. I'll fix all fo this tomorrow. much love. slut you are the shit and I mis syou like whoa. I hope you undeerstood that. Muah. that means much love. yeah baby. I fell in the parking lot today abnd ate shit. its funny. I have intersting cuts only body. b oys aredumb. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. ahahahahahha. yeah. no mor tkaing for tonight. tomorrow I shall laugh. I ove you.
Courtney rambled on @ 2:16 AM
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
I'm addicted to the World's Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. For anyone not familiar with the show which airs on the Spike channel, it is a series of extreme challenges done by a bunch of crazy asians. The best part though is the announcers. The show is taped in some asian dialect that I cannot understand and then dubbed over. The announcers are absolutely hilarious. They're completely sarcastic and just twisted in the head, my kind of people. If you ever need a good laugh I recommend you watch it and listen closely to the commentary.
I actually went to class today only to find that we had a quiz which I should have known about had I gone last Wednesday and Friday. Luckily, I pulled through grandly and scored a perfect 100% without ever having done any of the reading. This only goes to show that general education classes are a joke and encourages me to continue my slacking as it is working out very nicely in my favor. I should probably be studying for my psychology test right now but I feel my 2 hour break tomorrow should be sufficient. The first test was a joke, I can only guess that the second shall follow suit. Hopefully I won't be eating those words tomorrow.
What should I be for Halloween. Jeni is convinced we should be convicts. While it was creative I told Jeni I had hoped to wear something with a little more sex appeal than a baggy orange jumpsuit. To this Jeni replied, 'what is sexier than a woman who hasn't gotten any in 5 to 10?' Ha ha, good point.
Courtney rambled on @ 12:56 AM
Sunday, October 19, 2003
My cell phone has been replaced once again but this time I lost half of my phone numbers. I wrote down all the important ones a week ago though, figuring that on the path of cell phone destruction I am on it might come in handy eventually. Smart thinking. Jeni decided that from now on when I drink it would be in my best interest to just place my cell phone in a ziplock bag. Not only will it prevent water damage (which is not covered under my phone warranty, luckily they were nice and said there wasn't substantial evidence to prove that water ruined the most recent phone) but it looks super cool as well.
I love alcohol and have greatly embraced my love for it this weekend. I had a nice three day binge of Mickey's, dry martinis, the Captain, and good old keg supplied beer. Last night we took Captain Morgan to see School of Rock. Jack Black is one crazy asshole. It was funny and I enjoyed it except for the last 30 minutes when the rum and coke started to overwhelm my bladder and I thought I might explode. I ran out of there as soon as the movie was over and had my belt undone before we reached the bathroom. We then came home and rocked out to my favorite man Jim Morrison and the rest of the Doors. Come on baby light my fire!
I woke up incredibly sore this morning. I guess thats what happens when you're drunk, think you're invinceable and can take on the boys, but only end up wearing a bright orange football helmet and continually bouncing back up from being picked up and manhandled. I think I fared pretty well considering my weight disadvantage. I may not possess superior strength but I always get back up and don't give up. I'm pretty stubborn. Plus it was Scott and he's cute and can throw me around anyday.
I have been such a little kid all weekend. I don't want to go back to the real world of school and working, I just want to play all day. My brain and body are exhausted. Drinking until the early morning, sleeping in random increments, and physical activity are starting to take their tole on me.
Random bits of conversation between drunk me and drunk E. Why are people so complicated (myself included/primarily)?
Him: but i cannot understand why you dont put out, and that prevents me from hanging out with you, regardless of whether or not i like you
Him: that is dick
Him: i liked you and shit but its probably better that we dont have any sort of relationship because it would turn out bad
Radiant Red 99: I agree with you, right now things just wouldn't work out
Him: i think that part is probably permanent but who knows
RadiantRed 99: thats where we disagree
Radiant Red 99: I think its just phases
Radiant Red 99: but it dosen't really matter
Him: i dont know dude
Him: like as much as i think you are great and want to hang out and shit, its in your best interests to do shit without me
Him: its probably my loss, but i guess thats the way life is
Radiant Red 99: I think you're too stubborn for your own good
Him: probably right
Him: ill regret this, like i do many things that ive done, but i dont know how to do otherwise
Him: you are smart and fun to be around, you dont need to waste time either way
Radiant Red 99: well you know where I am if you change your mind
Him: if only that were the case..
Courtney rambled on @ 8:03 PM
Saturday, October 18, 2003
I have officially broken my 3rd cell phone in roughly a two week span. I rule! Two of these deaths resulted from water damage. Apparently cell phones don't absorb Coors Light or water balloon poppage very well. I feel disconnected from the world without my trustworthy StarTAC by my side. I do realize that this model of phone reached its apex of coolness about 5 years ago but I've grown attached to the little bugger. Plus I'm too cheap at the moment to upgrade. Pretty soon they're going to refuse to fix my phone because I have become too much of a liability. This is my 6 or 7th phone since Christmas of my senior year. After the tragic death of my phone I had a small fit of rage in which I threw my phone across my room and into my laundry pile, crawled into bed, and proceeded to pass out. Sorry for being such a party pooper guys. S'all good, I'm used to going to bed alone.
Thursday night, Brittany (we call her South Africa as she is part black and part white. It's fortunate I don't have politically correct friends because I think some people would be offended by our nicknames) came down to visit for the weekend. China is in L.A visiting Asian Fury this weekend. Anyways, we had a happy Thirsty Thursday in true white trash style. Thats right baby, we were drinking forties! I have consumed 3 in the past 2 nights. It may not be the best tasting stuff in the world but it definitely beats drinking the beast and they only cost $2. Thats what we call poor college student heaven. When my mom came down to take me to dinner she just looked at our beautiful display of alcohol adorning the top of our kitchen cabinets, shook her head, and asked who was drinking Mickey's. Sorry ma, I'll be at a more sophisticated drinking state sometime when I have a regular inflow of cash or a rich sugar daddy. In the midst of forties consumption our neighbors upstairs and across the way started bombing our apartment with water balloons. We strategically ignored them for awhile, went to the store and stocked up on ammunition, and then came back to attack when they least expected it. Scott got me first with one balloon but I swiftly came back with my army of balloons. After we had haphazardly popped all of the balloons it turned into a contest of filling up cups and dumping them upon each other. I feel it ended up a tie as we were both pretty equally drenched. I'm such a big kid when it comes to stuff like that, I love it. We vowed this was not the end and the other should prepare for unexpected doom. After returning to our own apartment, we somehow became engaged in indoor warfare with the boxful of water ballons that didn't make it to the boys. It was awesome. Even Jeni, the queen of clean, participated in soaking each other as well as the carpet, couch, and chair. Then Annie decided to remove her wet clothing, put on a cowboy hat, and run through the courtyard in her underwear. Danger's going streaking through the courtyard and into the apartment. Don't worry, we got it all on film... if the camera didn't get soaked and actually develops. I felt like such a carefree little kid the entire evening, with the exception of alcohol consumption of course, it was great.
Download the song "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. I find it quite humorous. Though I wonder exactly how do you ball someone discreetly?
Courtney rambled on @ 11:23 AM
Thursday, October 16, 2003
I just had lunch with Brittany's brother's ex-girlfriend Danielle (doesn't that sound like a soap opera, her second cousins sister's aunt's best friend's neighbor's dog, ha ha). She's a cool girl. I need to work on not being intimidated or fearful of one on one interactions with people I don't know very well. I tend to shy away from them even if I know the person is cool, they just frighten me for some reason. It was a nice lunch though, good to do something other than sit in the library during my break. Remind me not to have breaks between classes next year longer than one hour. Breaks tend to make me want to skip class and go home or not go at all. I'm tempted to go home right now but it would be cruel to leave Jeni alone in pyschology. Playing Tic Tac Toe by yourself could get really old really fast.
Last night my mom, grandpa who is visiting from Texas, and the Sean's came down and took Jeni, Anita, and I to dinner. I wanted the Sean's to stay so I could get them drunk but they are grounded because they got caught syphoning gas. Ha ha! The police were called and my mom had to go and pick the deviants up but luckily no charges were pressed. At least they weren't shooting up heroin. I'd like to say that I was the responsible role model but alas, I cannot. I was with Sean (Powell) when we bought Sean (Anderson) his first dollar store syphon pump and was well aware of their illegal activities. It seemed like an ingenious plan, $1 for an unlimited supply of gas... if you don't get caught. Last night reminded me of summer. Ahhh the good old school free days. I almost forgot it was Wednesday and there were still two more days of classes left. Ohhh poppycock! Gosh darnit to heck, geez man alive, and golly gee freakin' sakes! Maybe a little pish posh tambien?
I wish more people could see the Sean that I know. I fucking love that kid. Everyone at the Melting Pot only got to see the ambivalent slow moving and not seeming to care about anything Sean. It's unfortunate. Sean Anderson (his homosexual life partner and practically my 3rd brother, I've known him for 11 years and he's basically a family member) brings out the sarcastic little shithead in my brother. Putting the two together cracks me up, it always provides for good entertainment and much laughing. I can always count on them to steal my car, hide in the backseat, jump out of dark rooms, tell dirty jokes, jump on me when sleeping, dump coolers of water on people at the drive-in, and never let me forget my numerous "blonde" moments.
Infamous Sean memories:
"Look guys, its a laser pointer."
"Court, we're lost."
"Flapping in the wind."
I'm looking at the Peace Corps website . It's definitely something I'd be interested in after graduation. I think I'd like to go to the Pacific Islands or Carribean.
Random text messages from slut brighten my day: "Ohh do you now.. well i like it when you call me boobookittyfuck." "crazy love back at ya! move here, i will buy bunk beds!" and "Eeeeeee!"
Scooter called me last night. Hoorah. Things aren't weird. He just needed a wine opener but that was the first time he's ever called me, I feel it was a nice first step. He's rockin' that laid back boy next door thing with a Cleveland accent. Everyone asks me what a Cleveland accent is and I can't describe it, but you definitely know when you hear it. It's cute. I don't know if I actually like him in a romantic sense or if I just think he's a really mellow and cool guy to hang out with. The good thing is that I don't have to decide. I would like to makeout with him though, he has nice lips. He he.
I still have 20 minutes left before class otherwise known as an hourlong visit to hell. There is a girl that sits in front of us with buck teeth and an overbite. She looks like she has the mouth of a horse. It compliments her immaturity and drastically fake, practically white highlights which are dispersed between her brown hair. It's a nice haircut too, it would probably be cute and that pixie style cut if it was shorter but its long and just looks out of place. I like to people watch. Today we saw a girl wearing flourescent blue plastic-like high heels, it reminded me the plastic shoes made for Barbies. Sometimes I wonder what people are thinking when they get dressed in the morning. I don't claim to be a fashion genius by any means but some things are just rather outlandish. There is such an interesting and diverse array of people around campus. I could probably spend all day just sitting and observing them.
Well I guess the time has come to learn, or in my case it'd probably be more accurate to call it daydream. Happy Thirsty Thursday!
Courtney rambled on @ 1:48 PM
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
I just wrote this nice long entry and somehow it has disappeared and failed to post. Grrrrrrrrrrrr (not one of the happy sort). I'll attempt to recreate it tomorrow.
Courtney rambled on @ 12:30 AM
Monday, October 13, 2003
If this isn't what you see , it doesn't make you blind
If this doesn't make you feel, it doesn't mean you've died
If this doesn't make you free, it doesn't mean you're tied
If this doesn't take you down, it doesn't mean you're high
If this doesn't make you smile, you don't havce to cry
If this isn't making sense, it doesn't make it lies
I knew that last entry was going to be dramatic. I guess thats what happens after consuming 3 1/2 nicely bottled Coronas with lime, one casually sipped bug light from a can followed by one beer bonged bud light, 3 shots of tequila, and 3 hits from Miss Mary Jane. I know you're thinking wow, Courtney's tolerance has sky rocketed, that girl used to be drunk from only four beers. This is not the case, the consumption of all this was spread out over a nice period from 10:30pm until 4:30am. The night really wasn't as bad as my inebriated self made it seem. Note to self: no more drunken blogging unless its incoherent and overly euphoric. A few things didn't go the way I wanted them to, but all in all, it was a good night.
I guess nothing overly obvious was said to aforementioned boy from the last entry. It just felt like middle school when everything is done by the process of a middle man. If I want something to happen then I'll make it happen myself and if help is needed then I shall seek it where I deem fit. I know my girlies and their friends were just trying to help and in the end no harm was done. Though I did find it somewhat disturbing that Anita's man kept asking me questions about her and advice concerning her while hitting on me at the same time. That just doesn't seem right to me.
Friday night was a lot of fun. Jeni, Anita, and I went to Wildflower and had a meal of food far greater than anything we have cooked up in our humble little abode. We even got dressed up and vowed to make this a monthly ritual (luckily it shall only be once month or you would find me in the poor house). We even got free dessert because the manager felt it took too long for us to get our salads, something which we never commented on or noticed. But hey, who am I to complain about free dessert? It was the prettiest concoction I've seen constructed out of chocolate, so nice that we felt the need to be tacky and take a picture of it. You can tell we're used to pudding that comes in plastic. Chocolate Moose Martini, a nicely arranged array of chocolate moose in a martini glass topped with brownie and banana slices and adorned with a chocolate stick with raspberries, a swirly sugar piece, and a flower. It tasted as good as it looked. My inner fat kid was thouroughly satisfied and festively plumped by the end of the evening.
I got an "A" on my Sociology test. Woo hoo. I'd like to say this was an accomplishment but it really wasn't that difficult. I have a math test on Wednesday, hopefully this one follows suit and rises up the grade scale like my sociology one. Although, math will actually involve some reviewing and studying in order for this to be a reality.
I ran yesterday for the first time in a long time. I won't lie, it was painful. I'm hoping that once my sexy flem and cold have disappeared it shall make things a lot easier. If not, then I am just in a lot worse shape then I originally suspected. We'll find out. There's a long road ahead of me but its not an impossible one and I'm up for the challenge. Bring it on baby! In the words of Lester Buhrnam from American Beauty, "I just want to look good naked." Also, I want my body to still like me when I'm 45. I hope that if I'm good to it now, it will be good to me later on. I give it all the chemicals it likes to be happy and I keep its muscles strengthened. What more could a body want? Maybe a little lovin' but it all comes around.
Courtney rambled on @ 12:26 PM
Sunday, October 12, 2003
Fucking A. I hate to sound dramatic but that's just how I feel at the moment. I hate telling people things because when they are drunk these things get to seem leaked out. Dah. I guess thats why I have a hard time trusting people. Tell them things and then all of a sudden they are drunk and telling the guy you want to get on that you want him. Well thanks kids, I hope you're happy because he hasn't said tanything to me all night. I'm glad I could move at my pace and speak MY peace. Not only is our friendship now weird but he knows I like him, or at lease I think I do but wasn't given him the chance to show it. I guess I'm just not in a good mood anymore and just want to curl in bed and hide underneath the covers. I even smoked weed tonight to calm myself. It just wasn't my night to be over. Anita's man was asking about her and hitting on me. Trouble is I really thought he was cool and would have been interested had he not liked Anita. Bad me. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. I'm just having a bad night with guys. Fuck them for mkaing me feel this way but moreso fuck me for letting them get to me. Adios.
Courtney rambled on @ 4:25 AM
Friday, October 10, 2003
I'm sitting here in my bright green face mask attempting to rejuvenate my face which has decided to revolt against me. I likes to do that.
Yesterday was one of the best days I've had in awhile, not including e-nights because that goes without saying. It was one of the first truly happy days I've had that wasn't due to substances that inhibit my ability to think or feel. It was overcast all day with random sprinkles but never full fledged showers. Everything just felt at peace with itself, including me. After my first class, I had myself a nice bagel sandwich picnic in the library and then got some suprisingly wonderfully tasting fat free frozen yogurt from the U-mart. Then I just walked around campus by my lonesome for about 40 minutes, enjoying my yogurt and the weather. It was one of those days where you drive home with the windows open listening to the Gin Blossoms and just forget to think about all the things that are bothering you. They're pushed out of consciousness for a day. Later on, Brittany (high school trio Brittany) came down from Phoenix and we took a long nighttime stroll through the desert. I miss late night desert walks. In Phoenix, that was my escape from the world; leaving society and just wandering through the unihabited and unaffected. Afterwards, we cooked up a jolly feast fit for kings, or at least college students who are accustomed to eating ramen and things from cans. We made orange glazed chicken with carrots served over rice with garlic bread and accompanied by Sangria. Mmmmmmm. I must say I was proud of us, I festively plumped myself. Danielle, Brittany's brother's ex-girlfriend, came over later and we made smoothies with Malibu rum. I must say that these were the best Malibu smoothies we've ever created, and we've made quite a few. I think it must be contributed to the mango-peach juice that we used for a base and then the frozen cherries and strawberries we added. Normally peach and mango are fruits I despise by themselves but they made quite a nice mixture. We made several more walks thoughout the night and were later joined by Annie, Jeni, and Amy Bond. I was never drunk throughout the night, it was one of those times where you're actually drinking because it tastes good. It was just a relaxing night with the girls.
Now I'm back to the real world in which I feel I am just going through the motions but they're not really taking me anywhere. School is boring and easy. Sometimes I wonder what there is keeping me in Tucson besides Jeni and Anita. But I must not think like that, I cannot go through the rest of the year with that mentality.
My tongue has been overtaken by weird white lines. I'm hoping that is just because I'm getting sick. It's pretty weird though. I don't know whats going on, probably just another way my body has decided to turn against me.
I need a major. I think I'm going to do a pre-law minor. It only involves 18 units of course work and its all psychology and sociology related so it should be interesting and not overly difficult. Now if only I could find a major to go along with it...
I haven't worked out either. Dah. I'm not going to sit here and bitch about it and make excuses though. I know that it is my fault and I just need to get up and do it.
Well I guess I should be off to do something with the lovely red mass upon my head so I can make my way to campus. Then I must go and see if I can get my cell phone fixed once again. Apparently it doens't absorb beer very well and now the battery won't charge. Bloody hell. I just got a new one on Saturday. I hope they don't treat me like a dumb kid again, I will be angry. If they won't fix it I don't know what I'm going to do, probably just forget about it and become even more disconnected from the world. I feel like I live in a little college bubble. I have no idea what is going on in the world around me. I need to start reading the paper or watching the news. This lack of knowledge can't be good.
On a side note, slut I miss you! Thanks for all the talking and listening this weekend. You really helped me clear a lot of things up inside my twisted head. I feel like I know so much more about the little things of your past that I didn't before. Ahhh the wonderful step of progress. Sometimes I worry things will be weird or we won't have anything to talk about but it never ends up being like that. And even if there is silence, its not of the awkward kind. Thats how you know you have a good friend, if you can sit in silence and its not a problem. Thanks lady.
Courtney rambled on @ 12:50 PM
Thursday, October 09, 2003
Look at earth from outer space
Everyone must find a place
Give me time and give me space
Give me REAL, don't give me fake
Give me strength, reserve control
Give me heart and give me soul
Give me time, give us a kiss
Tell me your own politik
Give me one, cause one is best
In confusion, confidence
Give me piece of mind and trust
Don't forget the rest of us
Give me strength, reserve control
Give me heart and give me soul
Wounds that heal and cracks that fix
Tell me your own politik
I've been slow to post, my brain has just been too tired to concentrate. Plus I'm such a crazy perfectionist that I don't want to write anything unless I feel that it will come out right. In the words of Chris Cornell, "The words you say never seem to live up to the ones inside your head." But after a few days reflection and a nice hour and a half drive back to Tucson I think I have everything sorted out or at least clear in my own mind. Bear with me for I feel this may be a long one. Feel free to just cut to the end at any point in my babbling.
What can I say? This weekend was fucking awesome. That basically sums it all up. I could go into all the details but if you weren't there I'd doubt you'd understand and would probably take away the wrong message from it. So to those who know, you guys are awesome, I miss you already!
I have realized that a lot of people in my life are just at different levels in their lives right now, we're all at different phases or have different steps to take. For awhile this made me somewhat sad as I felt disconnected from those who I had been very close to. Even though we got along and had fun together, it just felt like something was missing or not quite right. With my high school girls I know that in a year or two they'll be right where I am. I remember thinking exactly as they did when I was in high school. I had the all drugs excepot pot are bad mentality. Obviously I have far progressed from that state of mind. I know they are just trying to look out for me but I feel like it separates us that I cannot talk to them about it or want to hide it just because I don't want a lecture. I know drugs are far too little of a thing to cause us to break apart and I know once they've moved out and moved on this small rift will vanish. I can't wait to see them make that step and I have every confidence they will. Even if they never expand their drug horizons, I feel they will be more accepting of the importance of them at this point in my life.
I have also realized that E and I are in different places in our lives right now. For awhile I'd been trying to figure our situation out and I could never really make sense of it. Everything always seemed to contradict itself. The "have sex with 3 people and then you'll be perfect" thing really baffled me. On one hand, I thought if he really liked me and cared for me that he would want to be the first and would not want me slutting around randomly just to gain experience. But then again, he said that he appreciated me too much on a personal level to do that to me. So I guess if he knows he doesn't want a relationship and wouldn't stay faithful or whatever then maybe he is acting in my best interest. While he's caught up in the "I have had relationships and want to be free and I have a penis and I'm in college and plan to use it anywhere and everywhere" phase, I'm left in the "I've never had a relationship or a boyfriend but I really want to have sex yet peni scare me because I have so little experience with them and I can't have sex with a random person so therefore I won't be having it" phase. All I know is that E is the boy who knows the most about me and that I feel closest too, even though we don't see each other that much. We definitely have an odd relationship, but it seems to work most of the time. I just wish he wasn't so caught up with sex, its the one thing that separates us drastically. Anyways, I know realize that we're just in different phases and once we get through them I have faith that in time everything will work itself out. We may not be right for each other in a romantic sense at the moment but if its meant to be then in time it will all come together. I'm happy about this, I feel like its starting to make sense. No more E talk for awhile, I promise.
Boys aren't a necessity. Sometimes I may think I want a boyfriend but in the end I know I don't need one. In high school boys used to make me sad, I was pretty shy and insecure. I wondered what was wrong with me? Why didn't I ever have a date to the school dance? What was this whole other world of boys and dating that I was missing out on? Looking back I realize it was a lot of drama that I probably wouldn't have handled well but I was blinded at the time. Plus, I would much rather spend my time with my friends who will be with me till the end than some boy who I will inevitably dump or be dumped by. When you have such great friends I think it is hard to find a guy that you'd want to devote so much time towards. For me, a guy in my life would have to be able to live up to the standards I hold true for my friendships and be able to meld into the group for I cannot and would not sacrifice my friends. Friends are such an integral part of my life that I'd have to find a guy who was basically one of my friends in male form. Anyone care to sprout a penis?
I underestimate Jeni a lot but I have come to realize there is absolutely no reason for this. I don't know why I am apprehensive of telling her things, like my drug habits or boy situations, but when I do she has no problem with it at all. I fucking love that girl. Without her I would have been a lonely introverted hermit freshman year. You would have found me sitting in my room talking to fake plants, or more likely, chained to my computer living vicariously through MTV or some other ridiculous lifeless entity. Living together for the past two years has brought us so much closer and I can't wait to see her as a skitzophrenic old woman as she inevitably will be (the gene pool is not in her favor when it comes to mental disorders). She's been my knight in shining armor in many situations, rescuing my drunk ass from choking my own vomit, letting me use her Triple A to tow my ghettomobile, and not to mention bringing me into the whole Melting Pot crowd. Thanks for everything bebe. Here's to being single, drinking doubles, and seeing triple!
Lots of Love-
Courtney rambled on @ 6:04 PM
Saturday, October 04, 2003
Tonight was great. A good beginning to a wonderful weekend. I hate to have expectations because you're bound to be let down but I can predict nothing but good things coming from this weekend. Good friends, good things, good times. Alecia and I drank wine tonight and just hung out. It was great. We attempted to watch Trainspotting but spent most of the time just catching up which I really didn't mind at all. It's good to just be able to talk freely and not worry about what you are saying. Tomorrow should facilitate this even more. I cannot wait. Much love slut!
Dear boy driving truck on Ray Road: If you think the sheer sound of your voice and the size of your truck are going to entice me to show you my boobies, what very little I posses, then you are drastically mistaken. Please enjoy your lotion and cold shoewr upon arrival home and quit harassing innocent drivers who merely seek to make it to their own houses without the perversion of society trying to envision them naked on their drives home. Fondly yours, the red head driving her brother's mustang.
I must sleep now in anticpation for what tomorrow shall bring. I cannot even imagine the possibilities. Dancing, rolling, talking, bonding... the list goes on. Until then, ciao!
P.S. When, notice how I didn't say IF, we complete the Rock N' Roll half marathon Alecia's mom is goign to buy us a bottle of Dom Perignon. I'm am drooling in sheer anticipation! We can, we must, we will. Even if we are forced to walk a few miles this is not an impossible task, it shall be done on Earth as it is in heaven. Ha ha, why am I reciting random Catholic prayers? Anyways, we will do it. I am going to give up Mary Jane, for real this time. No smoking of any sort after tomorrow night. I know this will be tough as temptation is strong, but I can overcome the urge. I give a late night salute to Dom and with this I resign for good, dreaming of the broad future which is now upon us.
Courtney rambled on @ 1:35 AM