Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Yesterday Anita, Jennay, and I cooked up a thanksgiving feast fit for queens complete with mashed potatoes, stuffing, rolls, and garlic dijon chicken (out of place, yes we know). Some were a little apprehensive about my unconventional potato mashing methods but it all turned out scrumdiddlyumptious in the end.

Method of mashing potatoes: place potatoes in a ziplock bag and proceed to pound with a hammer until smooth. Turned them into perfectly whipped brillance. Add garlic and butter and boo ya, ready to eat. Or one could use them to sculpt the face of christ, whatever you are thus inclined to do.

Looks like we aren't going to Nogales tomorrow because Alecia has to work. *tear* Ohh well, we will make it before Christmas break. Quit slaving away for the man and think of more important things such as things starting and ending with an X. Of course I can only say that because I am a lazy bum at the moment and just sit around reading instead of attending class.

Tonight we drink! Tomorrow I go home. Thursday we eat. The week is looking prosperous.

Courtney rambled on @ 3:09 PM

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Sunday, November 23, 2003

So, I told the guy...

and then he said...

which was followed by...

and then...

whaaaaaa...

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Had a date last night. Thats right, your ears didn't decieve you, a date. Second one ever. First one that I actually chose to go on, ha ha. The only other one I thought we were just hainging out and going to the movies until he paid. I then spent the entire rest of the night avoiding eye contact so he wouldn't try to kiss me. Ha ha. I won that battle. I'm such a 6th grader. It was fun, nothing special. Coffee then hung out with his friends. Towards the end I just kept hoping they would leave so I could go chill with my boys. With your friends you know you're going to have a good time, you can play cards until 5am, sit around in your pajamas, make explicit remarks involving peanut butter and its use as an anal lubricant, and you can still makeout with them. I think that works out a lot better. I really don't care about the whole dating nonsense. I would much rather spend time hanging out with my friends than go out and make small talk with strangers. I hate when people ask you "tell me something interesting about yourself" or "whats something I wouldn't expect about you?" or other broad ballyhoo like that. That always just makes my mind go blank and triggers the response abuhhhhhhh. If I wanted to talk about myself a lot and answer questions such as that I would go on a cheesy dating show or write a personal ad. I have no desire to do either. He called me today, twice already, ahhhhhh. Most girls would be screaming with delight, I on the other hand am doing a full sprint towards the door. Red alert. Beep beep beep. Flags going up all around. Flashing lights. Get out now before its too late. Too clingy. Run away. Faster. And finally, don't answer. Turn your phone off. Mission accomplished. I rule. Yes, I am a bitch.

I'm ready for Thanksgiving. Bring on the mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, turkey, and rolls. Vacation starts Tuesday night.

I have seen the sun rise the past two nights and therefore, tonight I have a date with my good friend, nyquil, and I plan to sleep for the next 13 hours as well as cure this blasted cold. I feel icky.

Courtney rambled on @ 8:27 PM

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Saturday, November 22, 2003

New Commandments for thy betterment:
Thou shalt not allow drunkards to smoke in thy room for thou room shall smell thereafter.
Thou shalt not text message while operating a motor vehicle.
Thou shalt not buy cigarettes but thou shalt be be granted the right to occasionally puff on those of others.
Thou shalt not throw thy computer when it becomes possessed by the ruler of the underworld. A good exorcism is in need.

Jesus praise the captain. Highlights from last night:
- Trying to jump the fence in a skirt after drinking screwdrivers, not gonna happen.
- Fuhrmann passing out on the couch.
- Throwing up in the bathtub even though the toilet was right there.
- Hooking up the super nintendo and playing Super Mario World with such great coordination and finesse. When I get Donkey Kong back all hell will break loose.
- Vodka and Captain Morgan providing total alcohol obliteration.

I think tonight shall be a beer drinking night. Hard alcohol has really got out the whips and chains and dominated me in recent consumptions. It is a lot harder to track the progression of inebriation with hard alcohol. With beer you can feel the effects kicking in and the stages of intoxication; with hard alcohol there is nothing and then all of a sudden you're laying on the carpet in a fetal position. Alecia found a liquour store that doesn't card on Broadway and Hardy. No more needing to rely on others to feed our desires, watch out now.

Praise Al-lah that the weekend is finally upon us. This has been a shitty week. My computer got a virus, the Internet in just our building is down until next Saturday so I have to go to campus to get all my stuff done, had two tests on Tuesday, everyone is always at work so I'm always alone, and just a bunch of other stuff that toyed with my sanity. Too much introspection and free time allows my mind to get the best of me.

One good thing to having lots of alone time: I've had a lot of time to read the Fountainhead. I'm liking it so far. I don't think it will top Atlas Shrugged but its definitely worth the read. The characters aren't quite as cool as Dagny, Galt, Franciso and Rearden but they're good kids. Dagny Taggart is my idol. She's smart, independent, lives life for herself and to the fullest extent possible, gets the 3 best men in the world, and she's one sexy mamacita. Yeah, she's one brilliant sexpot of a babe. I'd much rather stay at home reading something worthwhile than go to class and be forced upon numerous books of random nonsense I don't care about.

Jennay and I saw Love Actually the other night. It was good and if Jennay will admit liking a chick flick you know it has to have potential. C'mon now, the only movie the girl has ever cried in was Full Metal Jacket. I think its because she was born with a hint of a penis, a nubbin per se, and her parents chose to have it removed and raise her as a girl.

Notable one liners:
"Kids, don't buy drugs. Just become a famous pop star and they will give you them for free."

"Let's just get pissed and watch porn."

"I'm on the shagway heading west."

Courtney rambled on @ 4:01 PM

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Monday, November 17, 2003

Got two and a half hours of sleep and then got up and ran the New Times 5k with pappy this morning. I rocked that shit. Considering I've only run 3 times this semester I didn't do too shabby. Nothing compared to the good old cross country days but what can you do. My ankle no longer swells to the size of a golfball when I run so I'm happy. I should have accepted my dad's $200 bet that I couldn't beat him by 3 minutes because I sure as hell did. *smacks forehead saying stupid stupid stupid* I should have more faith in myself, but I couldn't have paid the debt if I had lost so I'm just happy I got myself out of bed and did it. The race itself went by really fast, I had a nice conversation with myself inside my head to keep occupied as well as singing random song lyrics. It didn't hurt that they were playing Brown Eyed Girl as I came upon the finish line. However, I was somewhat disappointed with the New Times overall this year; the course is new, the finish isn't in Bank One Ballpark, and the shirts were ugly. Shouldn't have messed with a good thing.

I had a nice drive back to Tucson this afternoon. I was bumpin' the Postal Service for awhile and then rocked The Format cd. I've obtained quite the cd collection thanks to my dad and his hobby of burning cd's. Plus it keeps him busy and from bitching about anything and everything.

I just found out I have a Psychology test on Tuesday. Blah. I also have a World Religions test on that day. Not to mention, a term paper due Friday. It looks like I might actually be doing some work this week. It's a good thing Jeni goes to class because otherwise I would show up completely unprepared and unaware. She treats me good.

"I want so badly to believe that there is truth, that love is real. And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd." This shall be the anthem of my life, the motto of my existence. Either that or "I wish life was like a porno movie." Wait, I can't forget "I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine." Well either one you choose it all adds up to one thing, livin' it up and livin' the dream. Love is all you need. Anger is such an easy emotion. It's easy to get mad and be upset, its much harder to forgive or forget and move on.

Check out Alecia's journal for a photo essay on our fieldtrip to Nogales.

Courtney rambled on @ 12:39 AM

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Sunday, November 16, 2003

What is lying? Is it not only the dishonest things you do say but also the things you leave out? If you are adamant about something one day but then change your mind the next, have you lied? Is there any such thing as truth or is truth ever changing with perspective? Is there anything human that is an absolute truth other than death? All I know is that no matter how jaded or down I get I refuse to waste my life dying. So call me a liar when I don't know, shun me for growing, learning, and changing my mind all the time, shackle me in cuffs and lock me up with the rest of them if you feel the need.

I'd like to apologize to my Trio for hurting them through the things I did not tell them. I should have known that you can't hide things from the people that know you the best. It all comes out in the long run and it is better to tell it yourself then have people find out through others. I know you may not understand and I can't really explain it all but just trust that I am not a dumb person and realize what I am getting myself into. If you would have asked me senior year if I would ever try drugs I would have adamantly stated never. Hell, even last year I would have given the same response. Its just something I wanted to try and experience for myself. Do I need them? No. Is life not fun without them? No. Am I not happy unless chemically induced? No. Does it interfere with my school work, running, and other such things? No. Is it an addiction or frequent habit? No. So what is the appeal or the desire to do them? I really can't explain it. You tell me it is all fake and artificial feeling, but what about drinking and smoking? Is that not equally as fake but only legal? What about people who take anti-depressants everyday, does that in turn mean they can never really experience a true emotion? I refuse to believe that. I can't put it into words, it would be like explaining to a blind man what the world looks like. I truly appreciate your concern for my well-being but I'm not going to tell you that I'll never do it again because I am not going to make a promise that I don't intend to keep. I will take to heart what you have told me and I am sorry that I felt the need to omitt some of the things going on in my life. I have nothing but love for you.

I can't sleep, my mind is too busy with thought and life introspection to do so. Make my head stop thinking, its killing me. Sometimes I feel as though part of me is dying or jaded but then I realize fuck it, life's too good to waste dying. I just think too much and sometimes it gets the best of me. But you just have to remember that the little things are inconsequential in the long run. Life is a great thing and I'm glad to have it no matter how low I may feel at times.

So instead of being off in a beautiful dreamland resting up for the New Times race bright and early this morning, I have found myself reading the philosophy of Nietzsche.

"Why does man not see things? He is himself standing in the way: he conceals things. ."

"We behold all things through the human head and cannot cut off this head; while the question nonetheless remains what of the world would still be there if one had cut it off."

"What then is truth? A mobile army of metaphors, metonyms, and anthropomorphisms -- in short, a sum of human relations, which have been enhanced, transposed, and embellished poetically and rhetorically, and which after long use seem firm, canonical, and obligatory to a people: truths are illusions about which one has forgotten that is what they are; metaphors which are worn out and without sensuous power; coins which have lost their pictures and now matter only as metal, no longer as coins. We still do not know where the urge for truth comes from; for as yet we have heard only of the obligation imposed by society that it should exist: to be truthful means using the customary metaphors - in moral terms, the obligation to lie according to fixed convention, to lie herd-like in a style obligatory for all... "

"We have arranged for ourselves a world in which we can live - by positing bodies, lines, planes, causes and effects, motion and rest, form and content; without these articles of faith nobody could now endure life. But that does not prove them. Life is no argument. The conditions of life might include error."

Courtney rambled on @ 2:31 AM

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Friday, November 14, 2003

Well it is 3:30 and I just woke up half an hour ago so you know what that means... I did not go to class today. I did not go to class yesterday and I did not go to class Monday so that would mean I have been to a whopping total of 2 classes this week. Life is good.

I ran for an hour yesterday, it was beautiful. I felt like Forest Gump. I only intended to run for 30 minutes total but I got out there and then I just kept going. I didn't realize I had it in me, I got home feeling extremely exhausted but wonderfully proud.

The boys had a bright idea to drink Everclear last night. We mixed it with kool-aid and the played Asshole for awhile. Then the everclear started to bend me over it's knee and spank my ass. The night all became an inebriated blur of events, there is no such thing as time when you are drunk. All in all, I had a good time. Woke up with no hangover and I'm ready to do it again!

Jennay- I love you! Thanks for tolerating my everclear induced brief breakdown last night. S'all good baby. Nothing better to cheer somebody up than finding a note quoting the anthem of Trainspotting on your keyboard. Nothing but love, you're the shit. And I choose life.

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest morgage payments. Choos a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure-wear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suit on higher purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wonder who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sittin' on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rottin' a way at the end of it all, pissin' your last in a miserable home nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats that you've spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your futue Choose life. But why would I want to do a thing like that? I choose not to choose life. I choose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?

Time to shower and get ready to head up to Tukee/Tempe/Scottsdale and live it up.

Courtney rambled on @ 3:59 PM

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Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Well the weekend, or the 5 days of weekend that I granted myself, is finally over and tomorrow I shall be forced to go back to some sort of reality and school. We had a crazy influx of people coming in and out of the apartment and visiting this weekend: Nazlee, Alecia, Brittany, Annie's drunks, and Annie's family. Good times, good times.

The Guster concert yesterday was great. It was overcast and sprinkled somewhat, a perfect setting for such an event. And the best part of all was that it was FREE. Thats my favorite word, free. That and fellatiating. They didn't play Two Points For Honesty at this concert nor the last time I saw them, shame on them. I think they deserve a spanking for that, especially the drummer. He's one rather attractive male specimen and it doesn't hurt that he has musical talent. He plays the drums with his hands, its insane. He could bang me all night. Woo woo, bad pun alert.

I've seen a lot of guys wearing beanies lately and I must say its hot. If you can pull off the look then keep up the good work.

I didn't go to bed until 9am this morning and then I slept until about 2:30. I need to get back into some sort of normal sleeping schedule that doesn't so closely resemble that of a vampire. Silly neighbors are a bad influence. Before drinking whiskey and cokes and playing football inside with the boys, the girls and I were big dorks and played cards for 2 hours and then rented movies. I must say I got proper fucked repeatedly by the Queen of Spades playing hearts. She had some sort of sick affinity for always ending up in my pile. I won the first game, must have been beginners luck, but was then bruttaly raped with a spade in the second game.

I've come to the conclusion that boys and girls can never really be just friends. It's like the movie When Harry Met Sally, theres just always some sort of physical or sexual attraction inherent in human nature. You might not act on it or it might not be present in both people, but it is always lingering. I'm not trying to say guys and girls can't be friends, because they can, or that its a bad thing...its just different than with your same sex friends. This all becomes especially apparent when alcohol is introduced into the situation.

Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.

I made $40 in pill sales yesterday so that could only mean one thing, shopping excursion. This is such an easy way to make money that I am finding it hard to motivate myself to get a job and return to the legal work force. Though with Christmas coming up and shopping and alcohol habits to feed I feel a return to the Melting Pot may be necessary. If not, don't expect Christmas presents until January when I get my scholarship check for second semester. Unless you would prefer a nicely handcrafted macaroni necklace accompanied with a warm embrace. No hard feelings.

I have to be on campus at 9:45 tomorrow to be a guinea pig for the psychology department. Thats the earliest I will have been on campus all year, ick.

Courtney rambled on @ 11:12 PM

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Monday, November 10, 2003

Things left out in the previous entry...

One of the most amusing things from our Mexico trip: being rear ended while waiting for a parking spot by a Mexican cab driver who then honked at us and drove off shaking his fists. Luckily he was only going like 5 mph and no damage was done to the ghettomobile and we therefore took great pleasure in laughing at the randomness of it all.

Whiskey + vicodin + wine + coke + beer + nyquil = WOAH, a glorious combination of chemicals and liquids coursing through my veins.

Side Note: Fake people bother me. I respect the person who will tell me to my face they disagree with what I'm doing a lot more than the person who says things to other people but will pretend everything is cool to your face. Thats bullshit.

Courtney rambled on @ 2:13 AM

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Sunday, November 09, 2003

It is 4am and I have decided the time has come to venture to my awaiting love nest of down comforter bliss and sleeping Brittany. Sleep has not been plentiful this weekend but I have not missed it. There were too many good things going on to waste time on sleeping.

Where to begin. I guess everything started with the arrival of Slut which was then followed by the purchase of goodies. We then chose to partake in the purchase. Overwhelmed with energy we found the need to convince the other ladies to go out. While in the bathroom stall of the frat, Slut and I were mistaken for performing acts of lesbien satisfaction when we were actually just fulfilling our drug curiosity. When arriving home we were greeted by an enslaught of drunk business frat members, it was rather frightening. I wasn't in the mood to deal with it so we retreated to the nest. This was followed by everyone migrating towards us, a screaming match between boyfriend and girlfriend, confrontations about my "drug problem," boys returning wine opens at 3am, the consumption of nyquil, a brief period of rest, coked out neighbors knocking on my window at 6:30am, venturing up to the neighbors only to find them opening new bottles of wine at 6:30am, and finally another short period of sleep.

I awoke at 10:30 ready to continue the madness. Alecia and I took a nice fieldtrip down to Nogales to browse the selection of pharmaceuticals. We returned to the United States with 180 pills of Valium, 100 Somas, and 100 Amoxicilin but not before legally ordering XX Equis, eating fajitas, being offered boyfriends on every street corner, having a waiter pet our heads (sick!), getting free drinks from ugly old men at a bar, lines in a Mexican bathroom, and having Alecia sit for half an hour with a wad of pills resting uncomfortably in her crotch as to avoid losing our precious purchases when crossing the border.

We came home, found Brittany cleaning like a mad woman, danced around frantically, stopped by a lame party filled with sorority girls which we quickly left, bought a delectable dinner of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, and bisquits, and then layed around the living room being complete goofballs. I taught them the Ultimate Game of Quarters which Alecia won. Jeni and Brittany refused to play, what weenies! Watch out for the re-match, I'll be practicing. I don't think I've been mostly sober and laughed so hard in quite some time. I'm glad we are all equally fucked up in the head that we can appreciate each other's twisted madness.

What's the good thing about having sex with a 4 year old?
- Your dick always looks huge in the pictures.

Have you ever seen a nut sac?

Butter me up baby.

What is your name? What is your quest? Who is your daddy and what does he do?

Do you ever roll your dick in soot?

In theory, I have made out with mine as well.

Kill Whitey! Down with the white man!

Out of context that's all just a bunch of nothing, but nonetheless amusing. Bwahahahaha. Don't worry, we have it all on film.

I have things to rant about but I'm too happy and tired to do so at the moment, stay tuned for "Be Nice to My Friends Bitch," "Visions of Lepracy that Accompany Drug Use," and "Roomates, Boyfriends, and Their Continuous Late Night Screaming Matches."

Alecia kept it hardcore and departed Tucson at 3am to head back to Tempe. Way to keep it real uberslutlushdouchebaggedmamacita. I'll see you next weekend baby! Bring on the forties and our ultimate demise.

Ahhhh, random people just appeared in our apartment. Phew, have no fear, it is only the boys looking to make a deal. What do I get for $10? Anything you want! Roughly translated to some Valium. I have already started to make a profit. Hell yes. Apparently they work quite nicely.

Enough rambling. Take me to bed or lose me forever. Much love.

Courtney rambled on @ 4:43 AM

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Saturday, November 08, 2003

I don't know what I want to type.

I just crawled to my room, the whole way.

Alecia is laughing at me on the bed. But now she is on the floor.

"It was bright."- Alecia. "And so cold."

We just invited Nazlee to the nest.

"The nest is warm. I love it." - Nazlee

"I need to fart. I just did."- Nazlee

There is a carnival of clowns in the living room. They are weirding my shit.

"Have you ever tried to sleep under your bed?"- Alecia.

"They all come to the nest eventually."

"Did somebody try to climb through the window?"

"What were you two doing in the bathroom?"
"Peeing."
"Why were you facing that way then?"
"Uhhhh."

alecia is me and i am keepin' it real like no otha. cept my eyes are like ahh from the lights on the computer and courtney just asked some guy on the phone (i dunno who it is) what he is wearing. the blinds next to me keep on rustling from the wind and i keep thinkin that somebody is leaping through the windows!! ahh!! we are listening to postal service and i am boppin like WOAH! so yea, i think i am done and i imagine court is done cuz i dunno where she went so i'll post this and yea- we rock hard.

Courtney rambled on @ 2:47 AM

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Friday, November 07, 2003

Meow.

My apologies to slut for leaving out the most important element from my list of interests: KEEPIN' IT REAL! It goes without saying.

I like when I get my period and my boobs get bigger (the only benefit of it). I just want to sit at home and hold them all day. I just might...

The Bad Trip is the dumbest idea for a show. My roomate and friend are watching it while I attempt to write my psychology paper. Right now a dad is observing his daughter wearing pasties. Why would you even want to know that? Some things are better left unknown. Reality TV is getting old. People need to start living their own lives and stop watching so much worthless programming.

Back to my paper. Hoorah.

Bring on the weekend.

Courtney rambled on @ 12:21 AM

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Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Radiant Red 99: what should I major in?
Abone5218: leisure studies
Radiant Red: I'm a master at that
Abone5218: me too
Radiant Red 99: I was thinking more along the lines of intersexual relations
Abone5218: what are you interested in?
Abone5218: that is cool as well

What am I interested in? Friends, boys, alcoholic beverages and the consumption of them, pharmaceuticals, walking, kissing, movies, music, novels by Ayn Rand, running, reading, philosophy (but not the boring kind they teach in large university lectures), hiking, dancing, camping, traveling, mud wrestling, pole dancing, showering, swimming, harmless pranks, fire, laughing, eating, sleeping, rain, the beach, crafting, harvesting wheat crops, detoxification of rabid forest squirrels, living in vans down by the river, the fermentation process, mating and reproduction, the history of the penis, my vagina and I, redheaded step children, mullets, throwing small glass trinkets and watching them shatter, pooping, lawn gnomes and various other lawn ornaments, baby jesus and the things that make him cry, urinating in front yards, cooking, Mexico, biting and being bit, cute underwear, cosmetics, streaking across the lawn of the Mormon temple, shopping, hot tubs, listening to Keith Sweat alone in the dark, cuddling, water ballooning, games of strategy, wrestling with boys (usually leads to making out, mmmmmm), long walks on the beach, and red red wine...

I'm not finding a major in any of those, but I am finding a lot of fun.

Registration is making me a very disgruntled person. Everything is full. As of now, it looks as though I will be taking one class next semester. Woo hoo. I wouldn't have a problem with that except it doesn't fit my scholarship requirement of being a full time student. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. School + me= grease up, bend over, and prepare for penetration.

Courtney rambled on @ 2:29 PM

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Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Stomach: I'm hungry, feed me.
Me: That pudding you had for breakfast 7 hours ago wasn't enough to last you the day? Fine, here is a turkey sandwhich, the same thing you had for lunch and dinner yesterday.
Stomach: Ahhh the dull drone of monotony. Splendid.
Me: Yes, but this time I have included a tasty side serving of applesauce.
Stomach: You have redeemed yourself. I shall now rapidly consume this food and metabolize it like a mouse on speed so the fat will not go straight to your ass or chunkify on the sides of your back.
Me: You're so good to me. I shall reward you this weekend with plenty of free flowing fermented liquids and an abundance of "Mexican candy."

Keep on keepin on, and don't let the Man get you down.

Courtney rambled on @ 6:45 PM

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Monday, November 03, 2003

I just checked the U of A homepage and it is a beautiful 61 degrees outside. I love this time of year when it starts to cool down. Bring on the jackets, sweatshirts, and longsleeves. Winter clothes are so much more sophisticated than summer clothes. I wish I had money so I could go shopping. (Then I look around my room at the massive amounts of clothing piled on the floor and realize that I should probably do something with all the clothes I have before adding more chaos to the masses)

Time to head to campus and take my sociology test. Makes me chuckle that attending class on an average of once a week and about 2 hours of catching up on the reading and notes is about all the work that will be needed to obtain a sufficient grade. Bwhahahahahaha. If I'm feeling productive later I may even attempt to start my psychology paper that is due on Friday. (Doubtful this will actually occur, but I'm being ambitious). I only have 2 papers to write this entire semester. That's right, 2! What is wrong with education these days? Not that I am complaining, I would rather only have to bullshit 2 papers than write many on subjects that don't really matter to me. I just wish there was something about school that did matter to me and made me want to go to class and feel good about working my ass off. Hopefully next semester will be more educationally exciting and I might actually have to use my brain.

Courtney rambled on @ 12:57 PM

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Sunday, November 02, 2003

I love Halloween, that's all there is to it. Halloween highlights:
- Watching Grease at MCC
- The stripper pole
- Wandering down Mill, enjoying that everyone chose to celebrate the holiday with the same enthusiasm we did
- 2 kegs of Amber Bach, sweet nectar of the gods, I love dark beer!
- A drunk mormon wandering around Tempe without shoes
- Slut running up the stairs with a marker instead of a toothbrush
- Trying to hug everyone without stabbing myself with my needle
- Horizontal Halloween fun, as slut has deemed it
- Not passing out or getting sick, long live the carnage!
- Seeing everyone extremely intoxicated and sharing the inebriation with my favorite 480 people

When going back to my house in Phoenix, everything I love and hate about it is intensified. When living there you becoming immune to all the little things, you force them into the back of your head in order to maintain sanity. You adapt so that it becomes your version of normal. But when returning after weeks of absence, all the things that are common on a daily basis are blatantly obvious. I love going home, knowing that my presence has been missed. But I hate being at home knowing all the unhappiness that lives there.

House of Lies
Dwelling of anger and deceit
A void absorbing any contented sentiment of life
An arbitrary manifestation of the American family
Actors esteemed in their work, suppressing the displeasure
Mirroring the ideal, sacrificing the individual for the sociological purpose
Children selfishly portraying their part, ignorant to the melancholy situation
With age the curtain opens upon the melodrama, introducing light accompanied by darkness
Enlightenment is deplorably followed by the grim veracity
Actors tightly intertwined, dependent upon each other and unable to depart
Though discontent is ever-present, no concurrence is made
Thus, an unending cycle of emotional instability is inevitable, as each character is clothed in a mask of complacency
An outwardly indestructible facade created over the decades encases life until one day somebody will secure the strength to abolish the system
One day the drama will overcome and each actor will no longer tolerate the emptiness
The crowd will rise in applause, for the grand performance has reached its highest point
Everyone will receive their share, and part their separate ways
Each gaining something from the experience, discovering themselves
However, until then, rehearsal continues, underpaid and underappreciated each performer continues their duties and the vast void expands

I was reading through things I have written in the past and found the above piece which I wrote sometime around the Easter of my senior year. I was a pretty melancholy person then. That was about the time that I realized that my parents marriage more closely resembled a financial partnership than a romantic attachment. While my parents have always been very loving towards my brothers and I, they are not towards each other. Its odd and somewhat disturbing to me that I cannot remember a time in my life when I have heard them say I love you or shown any signs of affection. I know they care about each other but it is a plutonic friendly sort of emotion in which they would never wish illwill upon the other but don't need the other to survive. Their relationship is more condescending or resentful. While many would be devastated if their parents divorced and I probably would have been when younger, I now hope for it. I know its not our fault, that they choose to place themselves in that situation, but I cannot help but feel sad that they are wasting their lives on our behalf. They have almost got divorced twice, but have never had to guts to go through with it. It has all just become a routine. When my brothers move out they will have nothing in common except that they have lived together for the past 2 decades. I guess I just love them all so much and want them to be happy, to know that it doesn't have to be that way. I don't mean to make it seem that I have been some terribly deprived child or my house is a torture chamber because most of the time everything is fine, I'm used to it. But sometimes there is a certain unhappiness or emptiness that seems to linger in the air and I hate it.

Upcoming events/things I am looking forward to: free Guster concert, a fieldtrip to Mexico, Halloween #2 costume party, slut making a Tucson appearance, Brittany coming for the weekend, beating my dad in the New Times 5k, beer in bottles, tequila, getting pictures developed, getting back into shape, seducing the neighbor, attempting Edward 40hands, anything that involves alcohol or isn't school related

Tragedy of the day: While trying to make my computer run with a greater speed and finesse than it's current state resembling that of an armless parapalegic I accidentaly deleted my entire music library. All my music files are gone. BLOODY HELL!

Final Note: There will be no second coming and I have successfully managed to soberly put my underwear on inside out for the second time this weekend. I'm a spaz.

Courtney rambled on @ 8:10 PM

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Friday, October 31, 2003

Meandering the perpetual streets of life
Purpose unascertained, destination indistinguishable
Lost in a wreck of emotions
Feelings colliding, spinning out of control
Debris crashing

I feel as if I don't know what I'm doing lately. Where is this road of life taking me? Sounds so cliche, I know.

I was at the rec center today, minding my own business on the Precor machine, when a gang of black men walked by and proceeded to comment on my ass rather loudly. I pretended to ignore them but couldn't resist the urge to turn around and look at them. I probably flashed them one of my not so happy looks, even though I should have been flattered by their comments on the tightness of my backside. After finishing the cardio part of my workout and lifting I saw them while waiting for the locker room to be rid of the mosquitos that had decided it was a perfect place to live. I wasn't really quite sure what they were saying but I heard little mermaid and something about a muskrat. Ahhhhhhh, I was frightened and just glad to exit the rec with my butthole still intact.

We've decided Jeni is carrying the Messiah. She is the virgin mary of the new millenium. If sexually active then being 2 weeks late to ride the crimson wave would be cause for paranoia but since she is not we are now awaiting the birth of our savior. Anita says Jeni better get it soon otherwise we'll all start having to go to church. Ha ha.

Courtney rambled on @ 12:30 AM

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Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Since everyone is now working I find myself compelled to lie stationary on the floor and watch hours on end of television. While 'I Love the 80's Strikes Back' is great, there are only so many times you can watch it before you must question is this really a productive thing to do with my time? Am I just letting my mind rot to the whining voices of Jessica Simpson and MTV in the background? Is school really so easy that I can study for 2 hours before a test and get an A while others spend countless hours studying and perform so much worse? Not to sound conceded but I guess I just have trouble comprehending how people fail general education classes. I don't think myself of some superior intellect, I just retain knowledge easily I guess. I have mastered the art of cramming. Master that and the art of bullshitting papers and you shall hold college by the balls.

Seeking: Laid back person with lots of free time to keep me company while everyone else is busy slaving away over textbooks and working for The Man. Must enjoy livin' it up and take pleasure in the consumption of alcohol. Realness and an open mind are also a must. Bonus Points for having hot friends that I can seduce. Inquire within.

When thinking about what to be for Halloween I was coming up blank. Sure there were the traditional costumes of black cat, vampire, devil, and other such costumes which are easy to put together and even easier to slutify. I kind of wanted to be a pirate but I had a feeling everyone else already had that idea thanks to Pirates of the Carribean (mmmmm Johnny Depp, but thats another story). Then I had a brilliant epiphany: why not be a Saigon Whore? I doubt there will be any other Saigon Whores galavanting around Hayden Square this year. So, if we can find the proper attire, Slut and I are going to adorn ourselves in little geisha robes, rice patty hats (as Jeni has named them), whore business cards, and funky white girl Chinese accents. Suki Suki anyone? I touch your penis for 2 dolla! Come here and let me see big American eggroll. Ahhh I put some soy sauce on it for you! Sorry if anyone is offended by my lack of political correctness. I cleared the idea with Anita, she had no objections. I'm so amused, I hope it all works out.

Courtney rambled on @ 1:13 PM

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Sunday, October 26, 2003

I'm glad I found time in my drunken stupor to post last night. Ha ha. I didn't realize I was that intoxicated. I'm proud of my nice parking lot battle wounds though. I'd like to say this was during the drunken stage of the night but I'm just basically a spaz. Somehow I managed to cut my knee and the crease between my foot and leg at the same time, now thats talent!

Alcohol is starting to affect my memory. Last night for instance:

Was Adam here the whole night? What time did he come over? - Me
You opened the door for him you idiot!- Annie

We took the matresses off our beds and have created a giant bed in the living room. It's been like a giant sleepover since Thursday. Today Jeni and I rearranged the furniture to provide a walkway. I wish I had a digital camera so I could post a picture of our masterpiece. I think we're going to leave it that way for awhile. It's cooler in the living room than in my room so I sleep better. Somehow I ended up with a room that more closely resembles a convection oven. I spent all of Friday since my return to the Tuc and most of the day of Saturday stationary on my matress as an unmoving, unthinking, feeling like shit blob. Drugs are bad, mmmmkay.

I bought The Fountainhead today. I needed a new book to read to replace the void that finishing Atlas Shrugged has created in my life. Its another long one. Over 7 hundred pages of painfully small pring. Needless to say, I'm excited. I need things to do while everyone is at work and there is nobody to play with me.

We're beginning to live like immigrants. The only food we have at the moment is bread, potatoes, cheese, and a small selection of canned goods. I'm trying to hold out on going to the store and see how long I can last on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I figure the less money I spend on food the more I have for alcohol.

Courtney rambled on @ 5:41 PM

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Our neighbors are playing tool and its fucking awesome. I don't really know what to say except exstacy doesn'jt make me feel complete like it used to and I love alcohol. I guess I'm done with E for awhile. Boys and me don't work out well. I miss my slut. I guess that is my life. Goodnighgt all. Alcohol is my god. We're wathing st.elmo's fire except I have no clue what is going on. Jeni loves thta movie. I'll fix all fo this tomorrow. much love. slut you are the shit and I mis syou like whoa. I hope you undeerstood that. Muah. that means much love. yeah baby. I fell in the parking lot today abnd ate shit. its funny. I have intersting cuts only body. b oys aredumb. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. ahahahahahha. yeah. no mor tkaing for tonight. tomorrow I shall laugh. I ove you.

Courtney rambled on @ 2:16 AM

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